#11: The Strawberry Patch, How I Prioritize my Messages & Texting
Just tending to my 🌱🍓garden🍓🌱 over here... 🐝
Neurodivergent people don’t operate by the same social intuition. They take in notifications and messages with equal importance, without giving weight more to one than the other. Today, emails and iMessage pings are equal to a never-ending stream that banks up against a dam about to burst. Because neurodivergent individuals see the influx as all the same, they’re going to try to tend to every part of the damn equally — no matter where the cracks start to form.
I started to read more about Autism awareness and found the strategies gave me compassion for individuals I loved as well as for myself. The initial “strawberry people” idea came from Chapter Seven of Unmasking Autism, a deeper dive into the newest faces of neurodivergence, by Devon Price, PhD. I am hesitant to diagnose myself, but reading that book alleviated a weight on my chest after reading. Autistic or allistic, I often feel socially “insecure” in ways that is more than just wondering if I’m enough for others.
It helped me understand other people in my life I initially started to read this for. More compassion is always a win in my book. It’s been a week since I’ve adopted this idea and I’ve really grown to love responding in a timely manner. I find, without much effort, my mind starts thinking “I want more berries” and I respond to those much quicker than those without.
Here are the core emojis for my strawberry patch keeping my relationships organized.
I put the emoji next to the name and try to keep the “garden” at the top of my messages full and up-to-date:
🍓 Strawberries - Life’s (Safe) Juicy Reward
Safe juicy relationships we love and trust. They are the ones you can feel comfortable coming to with a problem; they will react in a way that is safe and a better environment for you to express yourself. The strawberry people leave you feeling good after you depart, they don’t drain your energy. They often make you feel protective and doubtful at first, but that’s because you’ve learned to not trust the intentions of those around you. But they’re the good guys, promise!
A few questions Price tells us to ask ourselves:
who do I feel comfortable disagreeing with?
who helps me form my opinions in a nonjudgemental way?
who tells me when I’ve hurt them (and gives chances to do better?)
who treats me with respect no matter what?
who leaves me feeling rejuvenated or inspired?
who brings out the playful side of me?
Is there anyone I want to become more unfiltered with?
I’ve found that these strawberries don’t belong to everyone. Due to some realizations about people, I’ve had to edit this down. Although it makes sense to have as many berries IRL as possible, it makes sense in a mental health sense to curate only the sweetest and most fruitful. This should feel like a “handful” of berries. I believe the mental trauma I’ve pulled myself through still makes me want to trust everyone, but this provides a good baseline. What does NOT make a strawberry person? if they make you feel censored, insecure, like you have to earn the approval of them and they’re just generally exhausting to be around. The more time you spend with these people, the more socially fluent an Autistic or “socially-awkward” person will feel. We’re here to grow confidence in your support system — and these people are your safety net to do so.
Price goes further and challenges the person looking for their “strawberry people” to tell these people they’re prioritizing the friendship with them. This of course, is important to declare to ones that match the bullets above — the ones that give you love and affection; but due to internal forces you object (because you’re afraid you’ll disappoint somehow).
Takeaway: These people love you. Keep them at the top when you can.
🌱 Sprouts - Where You Tend the Soil
They’re relationships that cause me to grow past my comfort zone. They’re the second most abundant source listed, but still pretty sparse. There isn’t much depth in the book to sprouts (outside of a sentence mention), but these are the people that “taught me things or made me think/grow” in some way.
I think the explanation is rather obvious — they instigate growth, especially when your soil feels depleted and dusty.
I see sprouts as these type of people:
professional/creative mentors
challenging individuals that I “like” but are hard to leave (think a family member)
new friendships that introduce new experiences
work relationships
Takeaway: These people want you to grow or helping you recognize outdated, sabotaging patterns. Ask yourself the important questions these individuals bring up for you — and tend the soil when you need more insight by interacting and being vulnerable.
🐝 Bee - A Cautionary Tale
“stinger” was going to be my last s-word but alas, I had to settle on humble honeybee. The bee, buzzing around from flower to flower, pollinating. Fuzzy and cute, Its stinger gives a different message saying fuck around and find out.
These people come mainly in the form of romantic interests for me. Many want to “pollinate” or offer something in exchange for something of mine (typically something emotionally-draining). Sometimes a vulnerable person cannot always tell when someone wants to genuinely share without using them for a job, boyfriend, etc.
Takeaway: The bees are necessary for the human experience! But, they can be bittersweet — like a lemon with a sour aftertaste or a honeybee with a nasty sting. Approach with respect, caution and curiosity (like the real world bee heroes!)
Lastly, this is not within the book but an emoji tactic for another subset of people:
🪦 Grave - Gone to the Great Beyond
There is likely no coming back for me — the relationship to me is done, cooked.
These individuals:
are not a safe place
are self-focused, absorbed
leave you feeling drained
These numbers sink to the bottom of my contacts list, and only resurrect when the other person reaches out — if they even do. Why don’t you delete their numbers? Well, for me, most objects and people are out of sight and out of mind — some are blocked.
In the effort to find my “Strawberry People”, my idea is that I want to keep the those marked with a fat berry up at the top — I want the sprouts to be growing (but they’re a slow burn/evolution) — and I want the bees to be buzzing around, but they have to add something of worth to keep my garden growing. The grave is a reminder for me that when and if I do want to reach out to those who hurt, I need to let sleeping dogs lie.